I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
