my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
