Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
