She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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