I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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