There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
