There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
