So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
