dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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