So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
