And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
