Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
