this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
