I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
