I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
