I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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