i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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