i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
