I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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