What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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