Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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