shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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