When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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