what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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