I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
