I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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