I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
