I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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