I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
