I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
