I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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