"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
