she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We're too hungover to prance.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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