highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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