I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
