You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I forget how to act sober
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
