my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Dignity is for republicans.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
