she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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