Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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