i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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