I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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