dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
