Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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