Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
