whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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