Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
