I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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