none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
