He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
