Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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